Hello world!
At this point, my standard greeting is more than a figure of
speech and geeky reference. I actually have readers from all corners of the
world! Awesome! Welcome, welcome, welcome all of you to the
disconnected corners of my thoughts.
Order of business number one: I am ready to
start to eat real food again. (Groan.) Seriously. More on that in my next post.
This is actually funny timing. I was doing more work with my sponsor on the
seventh step a few weeks ago. Removing character
defects. More groans. Damn, emotional growth takes effort?!
We revisited the character defects list I had made during my
fifth step and assigned them scores, ranging 1-5, indicating my willingness to
have them removed:
- already almost removed
- completely willing to remove
- almost willing
- give me more time to reconsider
- no, never, ever going to be willing
The great irony is that I assigned a '4' to
procrastination. Haha.
They say in AA that you don't just say a prayer and, poof!, God removed those pesky defects of character. Nope, you'll just find that opportunities to practice change are plopped in your lap out of nowhere. I joked with my sponsor that I was sooo looking forward to my first 'opportunity for growth' to arise.
So the point is that overeating showed up on my list of defects, as did
avoidance. As a prime example, I've been
in collections for a pretty minor bill for a couple years. I've been aware of it for this whole
time. And somehow every time I receive a
statement from the debt collectors or a phone call from a strange number, my
heart races. I toss the bill directly
into the trash. I even sometimes let
calls go to voicemail. Really.
And here's the kicker.
The day after I talk about these defects with my sponsor, I receive a
statement from the debt collector. I
didn't bat an eyelash. I called and paid
the debt off in full. I went to my
laptop and checked my credit reports and paid another debt. It was totally exhilarating.
I went outside to smoke a celebratory cigarette. And then it occurred to me. I was just presented with my first
'opportunity' for emotional growth. And
shit, I just might have passed. I got
teary and left my sponsor a manic voicemail.
It was awesome.
Take care until next time!
Cleaning up the wreckage of the past is gratifying. Avoiding it feels horrible. Even so, we sure love to sit in our shitty diapers sometimes, don't we? Congratulations on working on fixing your past! It is difficult to do, but once you do it, it feels so good! Inspirational :)
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