Gratitude for Gratitude

Hello world!

I've been busy/distracted from blogging lately.  I had midterms.  I've put some effort into independent work.  I recorded some cool samples.  Nice.

The most awesome distraction I've had lately is my awesome visitor.  A friend from high school is now a graduate student in English one state over from where we grew up. (I have to say, the academic study of literature is neither my specialty nor my cup of tea, so mad props to her!  That my college distribution requirements are set up in a way that I can take music instead of English is quite delightful.)

Sure, it's wonderful to have a friend come out to visit so we can catch up in person.  But her visit is far more significant for me than just an opportunity to hang out.  

This won't surprise you: I screwed up a LOT of friendships while drinking.  I distanced some friends just by being self-centered, disconnected, not really caring about others' lives, etc.  Others I broke apart by being outright nasty.  Most of all, I hated talking to friends who knew me when I was a good person.  I felt judged by them; well, more than anything else, I couldn't help but judge myself and the empty shell I'd become. 

And I've accepted losing contact with people I care about as being one of the many consequences of my actions when drinking.  It's not that I don't care or don't feel responsible for these broken relationships; rather, I've learned to respect the wishes of once-close friends who no longer want me in their lives.  It hurts sometimes.  I have plenty of ninth step amends to make there.

But then there's that rare friendship that began before I started drinking that's actually far more significant now than it was before I tried disconnecting myself from friends.  These friendships end up on my gratitude lists more often than not.  (Have I mentioned gratitude lists before?  I must.  I will.  Later.)  I can't explain how important these friends are to me.  There's honestly no reason for them to have stuck by me over the years.  But they have.

My visitor is one of those.  She sees I'm different from the old, pre-drunk me.  The one she was friends with before.  And she sticks around anyway.  We make time to catch up on the phone pretty regularly.  We support each other emotionally.  We talk about real things.  Like, not just celebrities and pop culture and manicures.  Which is great for me, since I don't keep up on the latest celebrity news and I never keep my nails pretty.

I just realized that I haven't ever expressed to her my sincere gratitude to have her in my life.  I will do that as well.

But here's the best part.  It's going to sound really egocentric.  That I can be grateful for her is almost as important to me as actually having relationships with people like her.  Every once in a while, I realize that I'm growing emotionally and that I actually have something to offer newcomers in sobriety.  And gratitude is possibly the most significant sign of my emotional growth.  I've learned to make lists of things/people I'm grateful for and why I'm grateful whenever I feel good, whenever I feel bad, whenever I feel resentful…!  Try it.  Nothing is more effective for cutting down righteous self-pity.

Meta moment: I'm grateful to be grateful.  

I feel good.  Know what?  I'm off to make a gratitude list.