The Exact Nature

Where do I start today?  Chronologically?  Sure.

As I alluded to at the end of my last post, I'm starting something totally new and out of character for me: eating healthy foods.  I've battled serious weight fluctuations throughout my not-yet-long adult life (back and forth, from under 115 lbs to over 170 lbs) and have been pretty frustrated with it in the past.  When I was younger, I based a lot of my self-worth on my weight.  Past efforts at losing weight involved the barely-eating-always-exercising-smoking-lots-of-cigarettes diet.  Needless to say, I have some body image issues.  I should mention that working on myself with therapy and stepwork has led me to liking who I am much more than I ever have, and, consequentially, my weight doesn't concern me as much.  Still.  I should shed a couple pounds.

Enter the doctor-recommended South Beach diet.  I'm on day four of phase 1 and simultaneously furious at myself for starting and proud as all hell of myself for sticking to my guns.  I've never tried to control what I eat before.  I'm also seeing a nutritionist for the first time this week.  Nice.  Just high-fived myself.

Moving on.

Today I finally started an AA fifth step with my sponsor.  (Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.)  Yeah, yeah, a few years late.  I've done work on a few fourth steps but this is the first I've ever completed exactly as requested.  (Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.)  My sponsor had me separate the task into four sections: resentments, fears, sex inventory, and harms.  (Check out the How It Works and Step 4 chapters of the Big Book and 12&12 online, respectively, for more details.)  

 

Side note of humor--my sponsee sent me this a while back, referencing the tradition of complaining about sponsors.

We spent five and a half hours together and finished discussing a lot of my resentments and my part in them.  At that point, we were both emotionally drained and agreed to reconvene at a later date.

I left and walked straight to the University chapel.  It's an amazing building, built in the 1920s in the Tudor Gothic tradition (according to its website, I know nothing about architecture myself).  It embodies serenity for me, which explains why I never go there.  I need to work on my serenity at school. 

The University chapel, as seen by my phone.

It was completely vacant, giving me an awesome opportunity to meditate and reflect on the discussions I'd just had with my sponsor.  I started to clear my mind by focusing on my breath.  I'm not at all religious, but I meditated on the words of the third step prayer: 

"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.  Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.  Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.  May I do Thy will always!"

As my mind's wandering slowed, I became aware of a choir singing faintly in the distance, probably in a side room of the chapel.  As I meditated, I could hear the choir only when my mind was completely still.  Whenever thoughts would return, the sound left me.  At one point, the sound became so clear that I opened my eyes to see if they had entered the room--only to see that I was still completely alone.  

When I had walked in, one of the banners above me was moving.  There's no central air or fans in the chapel, and all of the doors were closed, so I couldn't understand what gave it the momentum.  By the time I finished meditating, all of them were swaying back and forth.  None of the doors had opened since I entered.  I don't know how that happened, but it brought me a lot of comfort and serenity.  It was an amazing experience.

Now that I've rested a bit, I'm about to get dinner with sober friends and go to a local detox to speak.  Nothing quite like being of service!

Until next time.